Journal Archive

NEW: My personal journal

Art by Behemoth-X (thank you Mr. Nunn) Black flames at midnight. Skulls on my pillow. Invisible lovers. NOTES FROM THE UNDERWORLD. Art by Rafael Wecterowicz NEW! Welcome to my very personal journal. A place for the messy, midnight nosh of the soul. Raw and uncensored. Sometimes dark and ugly. Sometimes pathetic and mushy. Occasionally a vehicle for the primordial, brilliant black flame of ascent.  If cornered, I will deny everything. Twilight in the Underworld

Featured post

Energy

The amount of energy in "the now" is astonishing! To say it is much more exciting and satisfying... to follow the little thread of bliss... that fills each moment with immense ripples... of dancing consciousness and possibility... is woeful understatement. I remember. Feelings, emotions, thoughts are all energy. Energy I can reclaim, direct, transform, Music makes my soul dance and sway. This is important. Twilight in the Underworld

Becoming more conscious

Why am I so present now? Just a few days ago, I kept popping out of it, rubbing my eyes after walking around unconscious for most of the day (or days). Then I'd go back to drifting about through my world with my mind suspended. I've thought about this so many times over the last few months. I think it was yesterday. I listened to the part of me that says, "But it's fun... I love to (basically slum by) drift around without focusing on anything." I thought of all the elderly women I have been around that were obviously... Continue Reading →

Christians following my blog

A Christian has followed my blog. Usually Christians are a nuisance. They feel an exhilaration akin to battle, claiming an obligation to come at you! Will I end up batting them away like flies? I certainly do not want to end up as the apologist for the tools of my ascent. I put a comment on his blog asking him to unfollow me. Not likely, but it was worth a try. Twilight in the Underworld

Getting real

Let's get real. I am rejecting my life before now. I cut the threads when I was working with Arachne. I will trade everything about my world for magic. Is this wise? I do know that there is nothing more important to me than the things I believe I will achieve with magic. This means I am dancing with the most real, most ponderous things in my psyche. I am way out of my comfort zone, going for what I want, which I am not used to AT ALL. I am facing a barrage of old feelings about my life,... Continue Reading →

Sex in the subtle world

Belial showed me the Crimson Desert during last night's ritual. I am to work with Set now. Set came to me tonight before the ritual began, when I was at my desk. This was so reassuring. I had some remaining fear after my work with Belial that I still wouldn't feel anything during the ritual. I put the Temple gods' sigils around me and annointed them with a few drops of blood. I felt their energies. Set patiently waited until I finished the short ritual I had created for him (lol). I asked him to help me, to blast the... Continue Reading →

Emotional and magical cycle

I have finally figured out what is going on. I have reached the "dormant" phase of my cyclical emotional nature. I have completed an initial cycle of magical training. I did not expect this. I am not experienced with committing to and investing all of myself, the rest of my life into something. I pictured growth at a steady pace. This is not my style. With my sun and moon signs both in Cancer, I am nothing if not cyclical, ruled by my emotions. Like the moon, I grow, I shine, then I diminish and finally go back to a... Continue Reading →

Fear

Fear fear fear When I think of doing a ritual. What if it doesn't work? What if I've fooled myself, and I am empty after all? I got ruined by a single mistake. I lost the ability to feel. I became numb and empty, and despised myself. It is good to write these things down. It hurts to just sit with the fear. I will go check in with Belial. The thought causes a crisis of fear. I freeze up. Go go go. I burned paper with the words "Freedom from fear," Fear," and "Immobilizing fear" in the brazier, then... Continue Reading →

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